So. New Year’s. Really? Already?
Okay then. New Year’s. New resolutions, of course.
Not because everyone talks about their own resolutions. Not because I feel like I have to come up with something inspirational (but if I did, wouldn’t it be great?).
Simply because, let’s face the obvious: there’s always room for improvement.
Am I the best version of myself? I doubt that. Am I getting close? Closer at least? Who knows. Honestly, I don’t think so. There are a lot of things I’d like to do that I haven’t done, a lot of things I’d like to be that I’m not (yet), there are ways in which I’d like to behave given certain situations and I don’t.
Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that I don’t like the person that I am right now (most days, I think she’s quite alright – despite the occasional bad hair day, the overly emotional fit from time to time and other lovely quirks I prefer to hide until the third date at least). But still. Maybe I can do better. Be nicer. Be more aware of what’s really important.
As an (almost) teacher, here’s one of my (very original) catch phrases: that was great but I believe you can do even better! Hell yeah! I’m going to earn myself some new gold stars in 2014 – who else is on board?
So where were we? Resolutions, right.
***So here are a few thoughts***
Don’t change for someone else. Although you may very well change because of someone else. Or simply because of yourself. Of course.
Something to remember: everyone’s very different and the fact that you’re dealing with something in a certain way doesn’t mean everyone else does – we should all try to be aware of this and respect it. We’re all little individuals – this is why life gets exhausting sometimes but it’s also what keeps it interesting and exciting and lovely. Think about it.
Sometimes, you just need to rest.
It’s not always someone else’s fault (… sh** … I don’t really like this one, but oh well).
It’s not always your fault either (now it gets complicated).
Maybe this year it’s time to learn this one: not forcing something that just isn’t meant to be but also not letting chances slip by – is there ever a way to tell these two apart?
Music. There’s no way around it. And maybe there’ll be time to improve your guitar playing skills and write a few more of these silly songs. And maybe there’ll be someone to play them to. Maybe.
It’s all very scattered, mind you. I know. But whose thoughts aren’t, really? It’s mostly a mess if you ask me. It’ll be a mess in 2014 as well, that’s something I’m sure of, but maybe it’ll be a little shinier and maybe it’ll be the first step towards something like an actual arrangement system.
You’re not supposed to laugh at this, I was trying to be serious. Okay, whatever. One last resolution: don’t take yourself too seriously – you should use every opportunity to laugh you can get, even if it means laughing at yourself.
***Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve and a marvelous 2014!***
I don’t know about you guys, but sometimes when I haven’t written much in a while, it’s hard to stop or filter what comes out as soon as I sit down –
it’s like written vomit; it’s like
Long story short: here’s another piece I wrote and actually it was meant to belong to the other two story drafts but maybe it doesn’t after all. And maybe there’s something missing to tie them together, I’m not sure yet. Anywho, I wanted to post it anyways because sometimes it helps to put something out unfiltered to get things in order.
Neurons & Electro Chemicals
The words burst in his mouth like overripe fruit and splattered into my face, sticky and foul. I. Love. You.
Most nights after I came home from work I turned the TV on and my thoughts off – 58 civilians die in a terrorist attack try our Tuesday special it’s delicious you’re gonna need a bigger boat all new next week on ABC frankly dear I don’t give a damn – most nights everything eventually blurred together into a cloud of sounds; white noise.
I felt the weight of three beers pulling me down and had trouble standing up straight. I stared at him for about a minute, then opened and closed my mouth a couple of times without saying something like an actual word. Sometimes too many thoughts shot through my brain at the same time; an explosion of neurons and electro chemicals that made my nervous system even more nervous and entirely inoperable: I basically turned into a half-wit in a matter of seconds.
The words burst in his mouth like overripe fruit, sputtered into my ear, sticky and moist. I. Love. You.
Whenever I worked late I just had dinner in front of the TV: a glass of beer and a candy bar. It was usually the time when I started wondering whether it might be time to clean the apartment again. Mostly, however, the soothing buzz of daily news and commercials put me to sleep before I could even get up and clean up the remains of the night before (an empty glass; a candy wrapper) . That’s why it always made me laugh how much money some people were willing to spend on their nightwear. As if anyone except for your cat and the lady at the cash register would ever see it. I usually fell asleep with my clothes on and no one minded since I didn’t have a cat.
Of course there were a million things I could have easily said. Things that had been said before; things that never sounded quite right because there was nothing to say that sounded quite right in the first place. Things I’d read in books and seen in movies (just that I was lacking empirical evidence, but that usually didn’t bother me; usually, I made something up – but now: just neurons and electro chemicals).
I could have tried the obvious: I’m sorry, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, I swear. I just don’t wanna ruin our friendship, it’s not you, I promise. Or something less friendly, maybe some of the generic bullshit. I guess I’m just not the relationship type. I’m not ready for something like this. Blahblahblah. I had an entire conversation with him in my head and that’s where it stayed: in my head. The thought alone made me want to cry or punch something.
There were a million other things I needed to tell him but couldn’t. Because often the things you need to say the most are the things that just won’t come out. I already gave my heart to someone else. Someone who, in fact, broke my heart what feels like a second ago because that’s how life plays you sometimes. I’m busy holding my shit together I can’t handle someone else’s. Would it be okay to throw up right now? I didn’t know if I should hug or slap him.
I ended up not saying anything all the way to the train station. He might have said something but I didn’t hear it. I only heard myself think; neurons and electro chemicals. After a while I heard blood rushing through my veins. And car engines. I heard my heart break. I might have heard his heart break in between.
Of all the words running through my head, I chose the only two that felt genuine enough at the end of the night: Good night. I watched him get on the train, watched the door close behind him. I watched the train drive off and disappear. I tried calling a friend but she didn’t answer; it was almost 2 in the morning so I wasn’t surprised. I just took a deep breath instead and threw up right in front of the tracks, then I slowly walked home.
I turned on the TV; I wanted to turn his words off. After 3 hours and 4 episodes of Law & Order I finally fell asleep.
Time flies. I would even argue – without touching at any scientific data, just indulging in the plain metaphor here – at the speed of light. Maybe it’s got rocket propulsion. Maybe it’s got a fancy back-to-the-future-like rocket propulsion backpack. In neon colors.
This is not my Monday blues speaking. I don’t mean time flies in a simple didn’t-the-weekend-pass-too-quickly-sort-of-way (although, that too, of course). And I don’t even really mean it in a oh-gosh-it’s-already-Thanksgiving-sort-of-way. I mean it in a I-grab-my-food-to-go-and-I-wish-I-didn’t-even-have-to-chew-it-because-I-really-don’t-have-time-for-this-sort-of-way. In a no-one-has-time-for-anything-anymore-sort-of-way.
No one has time for anything anymore. Let alone time to wait for anything.
I remember when I was little, I used to wait all the time. I was waiting for a friend to come over in the afternoon. Year round, I was waiting for holidays – Easters, Christmases, birthdays. I was waiting for my Mom to read me a bedtime story in the evenings. All the time, I was waiting for my Dad to come visit and take me to the movie’s. But really, I would have waited for anything. For the grass to grow taller. For something, anything to happen.
Today, who is still waiting for anything?
You don’t wait for a friend to come over – you just quickly check whether they’re on facebook and then you send them an instant message. Not just a message. It’s got to be instant.
You don’t wait for holidays – there’s no chance, because they blend into one another. There’s a Halloween-Thanksgiving-Christmas-fair going on in most of the shopping places (and the advertisement and and and…). Santa Clause’s already been working since (at least) August this year and is pretty overworked by now. If only he could join a union or whatever. But he’s the only one and he wouldn’t really wanna go on strike anyways. Think of all the children.
You don’t wait for a bedtime story – you can look one up. Youtube it.
I think, I want my waiting back.
Or at least, I want some time to take a breath. I want to be anticipating things rather than just rushing through them. I want to think now – not tomorrow, next week, or come next spring. It shouldn’t be that hard. But even now, as I’m writing this, I’m finding myself thinking of things I have to do later or tomorrow – my mind is just drifting and I can’t even really make it stop.
I think, I’d like to be waiting for – what? Maybe Godot. Because no one else is waiting for him anyways. I’d like to be waiting (maybe for a while). Not for Godot to actually show his (possibly) beautiful face, just for the sake of waiting. I just might do that.
What are you waiting for? (Not as in, what are you waiting for – get moving! More as in, is there anything that makes you stop and actually – patiently – wait for it?)
PS: Or I might start sitting, WAITING, wishing instead…